causing so much hurt and damage that around 50 per cent of married couples in this situation usually decide to divorce, while the other 50 per cent either withdraw from one another or live in a politely superficial way. They might even continue to find fault and/or lay blame, which means verbally attacking each You might believe that a relationship consists mainly of meeting someone, courting them and possibly setting up home together, formally or informally. Not quite so. Dr Linda Cooper Miles informs us that, in order to grow, a long-term relationship gradually moves through the phases of: Romance (‘You’re Perfect.’), Fault Finding (‘You’re flawed.’), Blaming (‘You do it to me.’), Acceptance (‘You just keep doing it.’) and Transformation (‘We grow together.’). These are crude representations of very complex and emotional behaviour, but they give the general development adequately. At the first flush of love, the world is alive, wondrous and meaningful. We are swept up into a state beyond our control or reasoning. Romantic, passionate love propels us toward bonding. Yet, many unions then become stuck in blame, repression and rigidity.

Why is that?

It could be because all these stages are dominated by the expectations of both parties regarding what should be happening at any given time, expectations which rarely converge, which create resistance and disillusionment and eventually engineer break-ups in a welter of resentment and unfulfilled hopes. Most couples get stuck in fault-finding, causing so much hurt and damage that around 50 per cent of married couples in this situation usually decide to divorce, while the other 50 per cent either withdraw from one another or live in a politely superficial way. They might even continue to find fault and/or lay blame, which means verbally attacking each o

fect.’), Fault Finding (‘You’re flawed.’), Blaming (‘You do it to me.’), Acceptance (‘You just keep doing it.’) and Transformation (‘We grow together.’). These are crude representations of very complex and emotional behaviour, but they give the general development adequately. At the first flush of love, the world is alive, wondrous and meaningful. We are swept up into a state beyond our control or reasoning. Romantic, passionate love propels us toward bonding. Yet, many unions then become stuck in blame, repression and rigidity.

Why is that?

It could be because all these stages are dominated by the expectations of both parties regarding what should be happening at any given time, expectations which rarely converge, which create resistance and disillusionment and eventually engineer break-ups in a welter of resentment and unfulfilled hopes. Most couples get stuck in fault-finding, causing so much hurt and damage that around 50 per cent of married couples in this situation usually decide to divorce, while the other 50 per cent either withdraw from one another or live in a politely superficial way. They might even continue to find fault and/or lay blame, which means verbally attacking each

irst flush of love, the world is alive, wondrous and meaningful. We are swept up into a state beyond our control or reasoning. Romantic, passionate love propels us toward bonding. Yet, many unions then become stuck in blame, repression and rigidity.

Why is that?

It could be because all these stages are dominated by the expectations of both parties regarding what should be happening at any given time, expectations which rarely converge, which create resistance and disillusionment and eventually engineer break-ups in a welter of resentment and unfulfilled hopes. Most couples get stuck in fault-finding, causing so much hurt and damage that around 50 per cent of married couples in this situation usually decide to divorce, while the other 50 per cent either withdraw from one another or live in a politely superficial way. They might even continue to find fault and/or lay blame, which means verbally attacking each

e dominated by the expectations of both parties regarding what should be happening at any given time, expectations which rarely converge, which create resistance and disillusionment and eventually engineer break-ups in a welter of resentment and unfulfilled hopes. Most couples get stuck in fault-finding, causing so much hurt and damage that around 50 per cent of married couples in this situation usually decide to divorce, while the other 50 per cent either withdraw from one another or live in a politely superficial way. They might even continue to find fault and/or lay blame, which means verbally attacking each causing so much hurt and damage that around 50 per cent of married couples in this situation usually decide to divorce, while the other 50 per cent either withdraw from one another or live in a politely superficial way. They might even continue to find fault and/or lay blame, which means verbally attacking each other for decades.

Angel L. Gaines, a relationship counsellor, throws light on this problem. “My philosophy is that people usually have conflict because of the way they process pain, they will use band aids as opposed to seeking the root cause of the pain. The mentality is that: If I can convince myself that I don’t want what I really want, then it doesn’t hurt as much when I don’t get it.”

For example, in my own troubled relationship with my ex, I thought the abusive slanging matches were never going to end, dragging on as they did for at least ten years. We both refused to address the root causes while we stuck plaintively to the superficial issues. Of course, very little was ever resolved while we skirted round each other daily in ever-increasing circles of pain.

A Destructive Manipulative Game
In most marriages each person changes from day to day, sometimes being very loving but irritated at other times and sometimes being the leader but the follower on other occasions. However, some couples become frozen into one role which gradually stunts the development of their relationships. When we get stuck on one emotion (and deny the other feelings we have), our relationship often becomes a destructi