3. “I’ll change” is even worse, unless the change is something you truly want.

Despite her misgivings, one of my clients acquiesced to her man’s insistence that she enlarge her breasts. Implants were not something she felt right about. She sacrificed her better judgement, suffered physical discomfort and risked her health by agreeing to change herself for him.

It was a waste.

Not being true to herself caused her inner turmoil and, of course, adversely affected the relationship.

Subsequently, the superficial fellow left her for a woman with even larger, but natural, breasts.

4. He or she doesn't accept your kids.

Divorced or widowed people with children have a built-in radar: their children. Your relationship is bound to be difficult if the man you're dating does not accept them.

This is not to say that the children should be able to veto your romantic life. You have to exercise adult judgement to make a distinction between the kids' natural reluctance to accept a parent-substitute and their possible sensitivity to unacceptable aspects of his personality.

5. Initial excitement: “This is the one.”

Despite (or because of) the Hollywood myth, instant attraction with ringing bells and stomach flutters is more likely to end in disappointment th

Then you're among the majority. But, as you've learned, creeps make for disastrous relationships.

So why are you attracted to them? The short answer is that although you live in the 21st century, your basic biology and psychology are still Stone Age. So you (unconsciously) look for a 'tough guy' to protect you and your children from the sabre-toothed tigers.

This article -- based on my four decades as a psychotherapist and 25 years of marriage to a wonderful woman -- will show you how to choose the right man.

Before you can choose wisely you need to know how to avoid a bad relationship.

You may dismiss the Solution as too simple -- or too difficult. But put it into practice and you will find your ideal man.

The Solution is:

To listen, and

To know yourself.

Read on for the details on How You Can Avoid Bad Relationships and Find Your One True Love.

I've explained the process under the following headings:

• Five Signs of a Bad Relationship
• Nine Warning Signals
• The Perfect Partner
• The Solution (in detail)
• Causes of Relationship Dissatisfaction
• Seven Ways to Develop Self-Respect
• Protecting Yourself From a Bad Relationship

Five Signs of a Bad Relationship

1. The relationship is not satisfying to you.
2. You don't feel right about the other person.
3. You would prefer being with someone else.
4. Your self-respect is being damaged.
5. Your senses of humour are mismatched.

Perhaps you laugh at something which doesn't even draw a smile from him. If this only happens once in a while it is not significant.

But if you frequently find yourself horrified at what he considers funny, or he rarely laughs when you do, watch out. This is a major sign of incompatibility.

It does not mean that one of you is wrong and the other is right.

It does indicate differences in temperament and values that could be a chasm ultimately too wide to bridge.

If you feel diminished in any way you know you are in a bad relationship.

Examples of disrespect are:

• your partner laughs at you,
• sneers at your accomplishments,
• is indifferent to your work,
• denigrates women,
• is unpunctual with you,
• ignores your opinions,
• is constantly critical,
• is unfaithful, or
• hits you.

You know you're dissatisfied when you're often thinking of someone else ... especially if you're making unfavourable comparisons between the current partner and the other person.

Unfortunately, it's often the case that in a woman's imagination the other man is a Super Guy, but in reality he is another Creep.

And just as you don't feel right with your current man, the object of your fantasy will likely prove no better; that is, until you know yourself more thoroughly. Until you're aware of what attracts you to creeps.

For instance, part of the attraction a woman has for a man married to someone else is the excitement and danger inherent in an illicit liaison.

And that he has already betrayed a woman's trust.

Why would a woman be attracted to such a man? Social biology tells us it's because historically women have sought out rough, tough men to protect them and their babies.

The socio-biology of men tells us that they are programmed to spread their genes as widely as possible. You might say the urge to be unfaithful is inbred. Compliant women, content to provide sex, comfort and child-raising, were therefore preferred as mates.

Another reason many women are drawn to men who are not good for them is low self-esteem, especially the conviction that "I'm nothing without a man."

And this is despite the supposed liberation of women during recent decades.

This is not to deny the joys of being part of a couple. But I do suggest that to enjoy a good relationship a woman has to respect herself first and have her own distinct identity.

Gone are the days when a woman could feel fulfilled by simply being an appendage to a man, satisfied with reflected glory of his status or achievements.

There are men who resist blind obedience to biology. When they've chosen wisely and appropriately, they remain faithful.

Perhaps a relationship feels bad because you are, in the man's view, not compliant enough. Or he's bored because you are too compliant.

When you seriously apply the Solution to yourself you'll see if compliance or non-compliance is an issue. Or perhaps you are choosing men who avoid their own vulnerabilities by focussing on what's wrong with you.

Nine Warning Signals

1. “He’s O.K. but...”

A nagging doubt about some particular aspect of the partner's personality or behaviour should set off alarm bells:

• “He’s O.K. but he does lose his temper when he drinks...”,
• “He’s O.K. but I wish he would spend less time with his mother and more time with me”...
• “He’s O.K. but his super neatness gets to me...”
• "He's O.K. but that laugh of his can be irritating…"
• "He's O.K. but he's so indecisive…"
• "He's O.K. but he's a bit too flirtatious around other women . . ."

If the doubt arises from something you cannot or will not tolerate, the relationship is doomed. (That might be your fault, not the other person's. Perhaps you are unrealistic in your desire for a “perfect” person).

2. “He’ll change...”

No one changes unless they want to. And can. That you believe he should change, or that you can bring about that change, is a prescription for disaster.

3. “I’ll change” is even worse, unless the change is something you truly want.

Despite her misgivings, one of my clients acquiesced to her man’s insistence that she enlarge her breasts. Implants were not something she felt right about. She sacrificed her better judgement, suffered physical discomfort and risked her health by agreeing to change herself for him.

It was a waste.

Not being true to herself caused her inner turmoil and, of course, adversely affected the relationship.

Subsequently, the superficial fellow left her for a woman with even larger, but natural, breasts.

4. He or she doesn't accept your kids.

Divorced or widowed people with children have a built-in radar: their children. Your relationship is bound to be difficult if the man you're dating does not accept them.

This is not to say that the children should be able to veto your romantic life. You have to exercise adult judgement to make a distinction between the kids' natural reluctance to accept a parent-substitute and their possible sensitivity to unacceptable aspects of his personality.

5. Initial excitement: “This is the one.”

Despite (or because of) the Hollywood myth, instant attraction with ringing bells and stomach flutters is more likely to end in disappointment th

Perhaps you laugh at something which doesn't even draw a smile from him. If this only happens once in a while it is not significant.

But if you frequently find yourself horrified at what he considers funny, or he rarely laughs when you do, watch out. This is a major sign of incompatibility.

It does not mean that one of you is wrong and the other is right.

It does indicate differences in temperament and values that could be a chasm ultimately too wide to bridge.

If you feel diminished in any way you know you are in a bad relationship.

Examples of disrespect are:

• your partner laughs at you,
• sneers at your accomplishments,
• is indifferent to your work,
• denigrates women,
• is unpunctual with you,
• ignores your opinions,
• is constantly critical,
• is unfaithful, or
• hits you.

You know you're dissatisfied when you're often thinking of someone else ... especially if you're making unfavourable comparisons between the current partner and the other person.

Unfortunately, it's often the case that in a woman's imagination the other man is a Super Guy, but in reality he is another Creep.

And just as you don't feel right with your current man, the object of your fantasy will likely prove no better; that is, until you know yourself more thoroughly. Until you're aware of what attracts you to creeps.

For instance, part of the attraction a woman has for a man married to someone else is the excitement and danger inherent in an illicit liaison.

And that he has already betrayed a woman's trust.

Why would a woman be attracted to such a man? Social biology tells us it's because historically women have sought out rough, tough men to protect them and their babies.

The socio-biology of men tells us that they are programmed to spread their genes as widely as possible. You might say the urge to be unfaithful is inbred. Compliant women, content to provide sex, comfort and child-raising, were therefore preferred as mates.

Another reason many women are drawn to men who are not good for them is low self-esteem, especially the conviction that "I'm nothing without a man."

And this is despite the supposed liberation of women during recent decades.

This is not to deny the joys of being part of a couple. But I do suggest that to enjoy a good relationship a woman has to respect herself first and have her own distinct identity.

Gone are the days when a woman could feel fulfilled by simply being an appendage to a man, satisfied with reflected glory of his status or achievements.

There are men who resist blind obedience to biology. When they've chosen wisely and appropriately, they remain faithful.

Perhaps a relationship feels bad because you are, in the man's view, not compliant enough. Or he's bored because you are too compliant.

When you seriously apply the Solution to yourself you'll see if compliance or non-compliance is an issue. Or perhaps you are choosing men who avoid their own vulnerabilities by focussing on what's wrong with you.

Nine Warning Signals

1. “He’s O.K. but...”

A nagging doubt about some particular aspect of the partner's personality or behaviour should set off alarm bells:

• “He’s O.K. but he does lose his temper when he drinks...”,
• “He’s O.K. but I wish he would spend less time with his mother and more time with me”...
• “He’s O.K. but his super neatness gets to me...”
• "He's O.K. but that laugh of his can be irritating…"
• "He's O.K. but he's so indecisive…"
• "He's O.K. but he's a bit too flirtatious around other women . . ."

If the doubt arises from something you cannot or will not tolerate, the relationship is doomed. (That might be your fault, not the other person's. Perhaps you are unrealistic in your desire for a “perfect” person).

2. “He’ll change...”

No one changes unless they want to. And can. That you believe he should change, or that you can bring about that change, is a prescription for disaster.

3. “I’ll change” is even worse, unless the change is something you truly want.

Despite her misgivings, one of my clients acquiesced to her man’s insistence that she enlarge her breasts. Implants were not something she felt right about. She sacrificed her better judgement, suffered physical discomfort and risked her health by agreeing to change herself for him.

It was a waste.

Not being true to herself caused her inner turmoil and, of course, adversely affected the relationship.

Subsequently, the superficial fellow left her for a woman with even larger, but natural, breasts.

4. He or she doesn't accept your kids.

Divorced or widowed people with children have a built-in radar: their children. Your relationship is bound to be difficult if the man you're dating does not accept them.

This is not to say that the children should be able to veto your romantic life. You have to exercise adult judgement to make a distinction between the kids' natural reluctance to accept a parent-substitute and their possible sensitivity to unacceptable aspects of his personality.

5. Initial excitement: “This is the one.”

Despite (or because of) the Hollywood myth, instant attraction with ringing bells and stomach flutters is more likely to end in disappointment th

And just as you don't feel right with your current man, the object of your fantasy will likely prove no better; that is, until you know yourself more thoroughly. Until you're aware of what attracts you to creeps.

For instance, part of the attraction a woman has for a man married to someone else is the excitement and danger inherent in an illicit liaison.

And that he has already betrayed a woman's trust.

Why would a woman be attracted to such a man? Social biology tells us it's because historically women have sought out rough, tough men to protect them and their babies.

The socio-biology of men tells us that they are programmed to spread their genes as widely as possible. You might say the urge to be unfaithful is inbred. Compliant women, content to provide sex, comfort and child-raising, were therefore preferred as mates.

Another reason many women are drawn to men who are not good for them is low self-esteem, especially the conviction that "I'm nothing without a man."

And this is despite the supposed liberation of women during recent decades.

This is not to deny the joys of being part of a couple. But I do suggest that to enjoy a good relationship a woman has to respect herself first and have her own distinct identity.

Gone are the days when a woman could feel fulfilled by simply being an appendage to a man, satisfied with reflected glory of his status or achievements.

There are men who resist blind obedience to biology. When they've chosen wisely and appropriately, they remain faithful.

Perhaps a relationship feels bad because you are, in the man's view, not compliant enough. Or he's bored because you are too compliant.

When you seriously apply the Solution to yourself you'll see if compliance or non-compliance is an issue. Or perhaps you are choosing men who avoid their own vulnerabilities by focussing on what's wrong with you.

Nine Warning Signals

1. “He’s O.K. but...”

A nagging doubt about some particular aspect of the partner's personality or behaviour should set off alarm bells:

• “He’s O.K. but he does lose his temper when he drinks...”,
• “He’s O.K. but I wish he would spend less time with his mother and more time with me”...
• “He’s O.K. but his super neatness gets to me...”
• "He's O.K. but that laugh of his can be irritating…"
• "He's O.K. but he's so indecisive…"
• "He's O.K. but he's a bit too flirtatious around other women . . ."

If the doubt arises from something you cannot or will not tolerate, the relationship is doomed. (That might be your fault, not the other person's. Perhaps you are unrealistic in your desire for a “perfect” person).

2. “He’ll change...”

No one changes unless they want to. And can. That you believe he should change, or that you can bring about that change, is a prescription for disaster.

3. “I’ll change” is even worse, unless the change is something you truly want.

Despite her misgivings, one of my clients acquiesced to her man’s insistence that she enlarge her breasts. Implants were not something she felt right about. She sacrificed her better judgement, suffered physical discomfort and risked her health by agreeing to change herself for him.

It was a waste.

Not being true to herself caused her inner turmoil and, of course, adversely affected the relationship.

Subsequently, the superficial fellow left her for a woman with even larger, but natural, breasts.

4. He or she doesn't accept your kids.

Divorced or widowed people with children have a built-in radar: their children. Your relationship is bound to be difficult if the man you're dating does not accept them.

This is not to say that the children should be able to veto your romantic life. You have to exercise adult judgement to make a distinction between the kids' natural reluctance to accept a parent-substitute and their possible sensitivity to unacceptable aspects of his personality.

5. Initial excitement: “This is the one.”

Despite (or because of) the Hollywood myth, instant attraction with ringing bells and stomach flutters is more likely to end in disappointment th

There are men who resist blind obedience to biology. When they've chosen wisely and appropriately, they remain faithful.

Perhaps a relationship feels bad because you are, in the man's view, not compliant enough. Or he's bored because you are too compliant.

When you seriously apply the Solution to yourself you'll see if compliance or non-compliance is an issue. Or perhaps you are choosing men who avoid their own vulnerabilities by focussing on what's wrong with you.

Nine Warning Signals

1. “He’s O.K. but...”

A nagging doubt about some particular aspect of the partner's personality or behaviour should set off alarm bells:

• “He’s O.K. but he does lose his temper when he drinks...”,
• “He’s O.K. but I wish he would spend less time with his mother and more time with me”...
• “He’s O.K. but his super neatness gets to me...”
• "He's O.K. but that laugh of his can be irritating…"
• "He's O.K. but he's so indecisive…"
• "He's O.K. but he's a bit too flirtatious around other women . . ."

If the doubt arises from something you cannot or will not tolerate, the relationship is doomed. (That might be your fault, not the other person's. Perhaps you are unrealistic in your desire for a “perfect” person).

2. “He’ll change...”

No one changes unless they want to. And can. That you believe he should change, or that you can bring about that change, is a prescription for disaster.

3. “I’ll change” is even worse, unless the change is something you truly want.

Despite her misgivings, one of my clients acquiesced to her man’s insistence that she enlarge her breasts. Implants were not something she felt right about. She sacrificed her better judgement, suffered physical discomfort and risked her health by agreeing to change herself for him.

It was a waste.

Not being true to herself caused her inner turmoil and, of course, adversely affected the relationship.

Subsequently, the superficial fellow left her for a woman with even larger, but natural, breasts.

4. He or she doesn't accept your kids.

Divorced or widowed people with children have a built-in radar: their children. Your relationship is bound to be difficult if the man you're dating does not accept them.

This is not to say that the children should be able to veto your romantic life. You have to exercise adult judgement to make a distinction between the kids' natural reluctance to accept a parent-substitute and their possible sensitivity to unacceptable aspects of his personality.

5. Initial excitement: “This is the one.”

Despite (or because of) the Hollywood myth, instant attraction with ringing bells and stomach flutters is more likely to end in disappointment th

3. “I’ll change” is even worse, unless the change is something you truly want.

Despite her misgivings, one of my clients acquiesced to her man’s insistence that she enlarge her breasts. Implants were not something she felt right about. She sacrificed her better judgement, suffered physical discomfort and risked her health by agreeing to change herself for him.

It was a waste.

Not being true to herself caused her inner turmoil and, of course, adversely affected the relationship.

Subsequently, the superficial fellow left her for a woman with even larger, but natural, breasts.

4. He or she doesn't accept your kids.

Divorced or widowed people with children have a built-in radar: their children. Your relationship is bound to be difficult if the man you're dating does not accept them.

This is not to say that the children should be able to veto your romantic life. You have to exercise adult judgement to make a distinction between the kids' natural reluctance to accept a parent-substitute and their possible sensitivity to unacceptable aspects of his personality.

5. Initial excitement: “This is the one.”

Despite (or because of) the Hollywood myth, instant attraction with ringing bells and stomach flutters is more likely to end in disappointment than a long-term romance.

(One of the advantages of online dating is that you can take your time to get to know the man before meeting him in person).

While some instant attractions go beyond transient lust, most are doomed precisely because they are based in superficiality.

When you get to know the person as the complex individual he really is, you may find your attraction wanes.

Perhaps you discover that he, too, is abusive, just like the previous men in your life. Or that he nags you just like your mother used to.

Subconsciously that’s what attracted you. We seek the familiar.

6. Money arguments

It is hard to reconcile contrary views towards money. It is clear that if one of you worships money and the other despises it, your relationship is likely to be rocky.

It’s not so much the money issue itself, but that this difference points to the likelihood of other profound, perhaps irreconcilable, differences in values.

7. Disdain

Run as far as you can from any lover who treats you with disdain.

To put up with such behaviour is to reinforce your own identity as a victim. Not only will you therefore feel unhappy while you endure the relationship, but ultimately you'll be dumped for an even more willing victim.

8. He’s irritable with people in general.

This is a sign of some deep trouble within him. Or his irritability might have a biological cause. If he takes action (rather than making vague promises) to correct his irritability, then your bad relationship could possibly be redeemed.

9. You are a control freak

Actually, if he enjoys being controlled, then you’ll have a good relationship. But it’s more likely that he will eventually resent you directing his life.

The Perfect Partner

No one is perfect. Nevertheless, an imperfect man can

be ideal for you. Indeed, that is precisely your task: to avoid a bad relationship you need to develop a relationship that is good for both partners, despite your imperfections.

To this end you must ask:

What do you consider perfection?

How many or what imperfections can you accept?

How do your own imperfections affect the relationship?

What you consider perfect arises from your personal set of values.

If, for instance, you are looking to land a rich husband, then perfection in a man would presumably rest mostly on how wealthy he is.

For his part, a man might be looking for a so-called "trophy wife", a woman who is strikingly beautiful.

In both these examples, the superficial nature of what constitutes perfection could lead the respective man and woman into a relationship that would seem at the outset to be perfect.

But without other matching values, this would ultimately be a bad relationship.

Similarly, what or how many imperfections you are willing to accept in the other person also rests on your values.

Most of the time you are not aware of your values. But they exist within you like a ladder.

On the first rung are things you are somewhat concerned about and the items rise in importance as you climb up the ladder to those values that you hold most dear.

"Imperfection" is a label for something you disapprove of. Which rung of the ladder most closely matches the imperfection(s) of the other person defines how serious an impact it will have on your relationship.

Take Alice, who always swore she could never date, let alone marry, a man who smoked cigars. That was until she met Larry, who owns a cigar store.

Or Janice, who is a vegan (a vegetarian who eats only plants, not even dairy products). When she met Jim she didn't know until their third date that he not only enjoyed dairy products but chicken and fish, too.

Or Serena, who agreed with Luc, her husband-to-be, that neither of them wanted to have children. But secretly Serena did want a child and was delighted when she became pregnant.

How "good" or "bad" do you think these relationships turned out to be?

The irony in seeking a mate is that you may be so busy stating what you want in a man that you ignore or disparage your own personality.

You may take no note of unique characteristics of yours that irritate potential partners.

Conversely, you may unjustly put yourself down as being undeserving of a good relationship.

Copyright © 1995-2006 Bryan M. Knight, MSW, PhD.

To discover The Solution to avoiding a bad relationship and to finding your One True Love, ask Dr Knight for Part Two of this article. There's no charge and you'll receive Part Two as an email attachment.

Send your request to drknight@hypnosis.org