pressions of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (clamming up or withdrawing).

When patterns such as these routinely characterize communication within a couple, the outlook for their long-term integrity and happiness is dim. The good news is that we can learn to change these dysfunctional communication patterns.

Joseph Ives

Do you have a question you’d like to ask Doctor Single?

John Gottman, who does research on couples communication, has looked at communication problems that often characterize unhappy couples. Here are some of the common problems he and his colleagues at the University of Washington have identified.

“Kitchen-sinking” is what he calls throwing in a whole list of complaints rather than talking about a single complaint. Rather than sticking to the concern or issue of the moment, the complaining partner brings up everything that bothers him/her about the other. This virtually guarantees that the other will be emotionally overwhelmed and that no particular issue will be addressed adequately.

“Mind-reading” involving jumping to assumption-based conclusions about what one’s partner thinks and feels, rather than listening carefully and double-checking to make sure that one’s understanding is accurate. It is not hard to learn how to avoid mind-reading, but it can be difficult to change one’s habit of doing this in the heat of a stressful moment.

“Yes-butting” is a way of invalidating what one’s partner says by first acknowledging it and then finding something to criticize about it, rather than listening to understand one’s partner’s point. Related to this is “cross-complaining” which involves responding to a complaint or criticism by pointing out a similar or worse criticism about the speaker.

Other common communication problems in distressed couples, identified by Gottman and others, include interrupting each other, character assassination (criticizing one’s partner’s overall personality rather than focusing on specific behaviors), expressions of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (clamming up or withdrawing).

When patterns such as these routinely characterize communication within a couple, the outlook for their long-term integrity and happiness is dim. The good news is that we can learn to change these dysfunctional communication patterns.

Joseph Ives

Do you have a question you’d like to ask Doctor Single?

n or issue of the moment, the complaining partner brings up everything that bothers him/her about the other. This virtually guarantees that the other will be emotionally overwhelmed and that no particular issue will be addressed adequately.

“Mind-reading” involving jumping to assumption-based conclusions about what one’s partner thinks and feels, rather than listening carefully and double-checking to make sure that one’s understanding is accurate. It is not hard to learn how to avoid mind-reading, but it can be difficult to change one’s habit of doing this in the heat of a stressful moment.

“Yes-butting” is a way of invalidating what one’s partner says by first acknowledging it and then finding something to criticize about it, rather than listening to understand one’s partner’s point. Related to this is “cross-complaining” which involves responding to a complaint or criticism by pointing out a similar or worse criticism about the speaker.

Other common communication problems in distressed couples, identified by Gottman and others, include interrupting each other, character assassination (criticizing one’s partner’s overall personality rather than focusing on specific behaviors), expressions of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (clamming up or withdrawing).

When patterns such as these routinely characterize communication within a couple, the outlook for their long-term integrity and happiness is dim. The good news is that we can learn to change these dysfunctional communication patterns.

Joseph Ives

Do you have a question you’d like to ask Doctor Single?

to make sure that one’s understanding is accurate. It is not hard to learn how to avoid mind-reading, but it can be difficult to change one’s habit of doing this in the heat of a stressful moment.

“Yes-butting” is a way of invalidating what one’s partner says by first acknowledging it and then finding something to criticize about it, rather than listening to understand one’s partner’s point. Related to this is “cross-complaining” which involves responding to a complaint or criticism by pointing out a similar or worse criticism about the speaker.

Other common communication problems in distressed couples, identified by Gottman and others, include interrupting each other, character assassination (criticizing one’s partner’s overall personality rather than focusing on specific behaviors), expressions of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (clamming up or withdrawing).

When patterns such as these routinely characterize communication within a couple, the outlook for their long-term integrity and happiness is dim. The good news is that we can learn to change these dysfunctional communication patterns.

Joseph Ives

Do you have a question you’d like to ask Doctor Single?

lated to this is “cross-complaining” which involves responding to a complaint or criticism by pointing out a similar or worse criticism about the speaker.

Other common communication problems in distressed couples, identified by Gottman and others, include interrupting each other, character assassination (criticizing one’s partner’s overall personality rather than focusing on specific behaviors), expressions of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (clamming up or withdrawing).

When patterns such as these routinely characterize communication within a couple, the outlook for their long-term integrity and happiness is dim. The good news is that we can learn to change these dysfunctional communication patterns.

Joseph Ives

Do you have a question you’d like to ask Doctor Single?

pressions of contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (clamming up or withdrawing).

When patterns such as these routinely characterize communication within a couple, the outlook for their long-term integrity and happiness is dim. The good news is that we can learn to change these dysfunctional communication patterns.

Joseph Ives

Do you have a question you’d like to ask Doctor Single? Do you want to read and comment on hundreds of interesting and thought-provoking articles on dating, love and relationships? Log onto www.DoctorSingle.com today, your portal to a new way of thinking about love and relationships, aimed at professional singles.