way! Why can't we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn't taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so! And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautifuValentine gift: love is using conflicts to create deeper bonds foreverThis Valentine season, you will have perhaps diamonds, nice red roses and bittersweet chocolate. With the exception of the diamonds, all the rest will be forgotten in a week. Which is the most important gift that you want for your relationship? Is it true that the one you really need, and which will help you stay healthy and happy, and avoid the misery of constant fight that could lead to divorce, is conjugal peace and harmony?Why do couples fight? Marital squabbles can be over lots of things:· Control struggles (who's in charge) and how decisions are made· Degree of reciprocal control or independence · Treatment of in-laws and significant relatives · Sex: how, when, why, by whom, varieties · Money: earning, managing, saving and spending Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to connect and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this deep need for confrontation.

Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is there it so essential to our self-esteem? Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other. That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave! Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one…..Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about….how does it compare? No way! Why can't we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn't taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so! And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautiful

armony?Why do couples fight? Marital squabbles can be over lots of things:· Control struggles (who's in charge) and how decisions are made· Degree of reciprocal control or independence · Treatment of in-laws and significant relatives · Sex: how, when, why, by whom, varieties · Money: earning, managing, saving and spending Here, I want to let you in on a secret, the hidden motivation to connect and have a good, healthy fight. Once you understand this, it is easier to look at your current “enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this deep need for confrontation.

Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is there it so essential to our self-esteem? Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other. That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave! Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one…..Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about….how does it compare? No way! Why can't we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn't taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so! And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautifu

enemy” – your partner –with empathy; to see their hidden motivations; and perhaps come up with some solutions to fill this deep need for confrontation.

Why is winning or losing a dispute so important? Why is there it so essential to our self-esteem? Because we think that we fight mostly for control of things, like time, money, the car, clothes or a good job. But really, almost every fight actually has at least something to do with the rarely acknowledged need for us to get some recognition from the other. That person is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave! Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one…..Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about….how does it compare? No way! Why can't we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn't taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so! And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautifu

n is so important because she can give us the acceptance or recognition that we crave! Go back in your memory to the last three fights you had with your loved one…..Imagine that each fight is a heartfelt quest for support, recognition and respect from him or her. If so, having your partner say out loud, “Yes, you are right on this issue,” validates you and makes the world right again.Does it feel good? Now, compare that with the pleasure you get when obtaining the thing you were ready to fight about….how does it compare? No way! Why can't we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn't taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so! And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautifu way! Why can't we even mention our deep need for validation from our spouse? Very simple, it has to be offered, spontaneously! That is the crux of the matter: If we have to beg for it, it doesn't taste so good, right? It has to be proffered because it is an evident, undeniable fact that we are right, that we are intelligent and beautiful and lovable… not because we ask people to say so! And that, by the way, is the reason we get married: to have someone, freely elected, who can say to the world that we are such a beautiful person they want to spend their lives with us! And then, very shortly, this admiration we managed to achieve goes missing, and sadly the only way to get our partner’s attention back on us is to have a good fight. OK, let’s assume that you have decided that having a fight is the way to receive attention again. Remember that it has not to be destructive. Positive conflict helps you organize a respectful confrontation, following some simple rules. Principles of fair fighting for couples Fair fighting is a respectful way of confronting each other on issues that are causing open or hidden conflict. It is a method for handling and resolving the differences of opinion that inevitably occur between spouses or partners. The basic idea is to provide an alternative to “dirty fighting” which uses reciprocal blaming, yelling, accusing and humiliating the other, in order to win or be “right.” In this way, you can defend your ideas while recognizing your partner’s needs!1.- Accept your responsibility in the dispute, and also that every fight is CO-CREATED. To fight fair, entails accepting your part of responsibility. There are not pure victims or pure victimizers; we are both at different times.

2. - You are always part of the process, and responsible for its fairness. Redefine the purpose of a fight. It has nothing to do with a neighborhood brawl; Here, this is a love relationship and your co-purpose is to find a mutually respectful agreement, NOT TO WIN. 3. Disputes over things you care deeply about are inevitable: Accept that sometimes a confrontation is unavoidable, and has to be dealt with. Fair fighting is always about getting your grievances out in the open, in a way that nurtures understanding and growth. 4.- Choosing to practice fair fighting now and not collecting grievances to later play revenge with, is showing respect for your significant other. Respect your emotions: Frustration, anger and sadness are signals that point to the needs for change and reassessment wi