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I Advice - A Gay Lovers' Quarrel: Joe & Paul Talk It Out
Concrete modular buildings, also called as pre-cast or pre-fabricated concrete buildings, are the next step to steel modular buildings. Concrete is considered to be a tougher and less elastic material than steel. Also, concrete is less resistant to expansion and contraction due to weather and more adhesive bonding. However, the most important factor in making concrete win over steel in modular building designs is that concrete can be made to look more appealing and can be given many more creative designs than steel.Companies that manufacture concrete modular buildings design them according to a proper scrutiny of the site and the floor plan of the building. Each module is designed in a factory. The module consists of initially placing a railing, on which a steel grid is placed. In this a concrete foundation is poured, and the railings are removed. The next step consists of erecting the walls, with apertures for doors, windows, ventilation, etc. Lastly, the roof is placed. The unit is finished by giving it a desired coat of paint and other fixtures. Such units are separately made at the factory, which are transported by trucks to the site and assembled there. Single units can be joined together using cement and mortar.Concrete is a base material for conventional construction. Hence, modular buildings made with concrete appear no different from traditional buildings. For this reason, concrete modular units are po
Additionally, the formula is beneficial for helping both partners fine-tune their communication styles. For a more verbal partner, “I messages” help to streamline his thoughts into a simple, understandable statement rather than a barrage of sentences that can overwhelm his partner. For a less verbally-sophisticated or quiet partner, the formula allows him a step-by-step format for expressing himself if he typically has a hard time finding the words to convey what he’s thinking in his mind. While the formula may seem mechanical, contrived, or awkward, it provides a sound framework to begin from and can be modified to your own language and style. This is just one of many communication techniques you can try on for size!
Joe & Paul Revisited
Joe and Paul sat on the couch facing each other, both feeling more calm and centered
We all know that frivolous lawsuits today necessitate asset protection planning. Asset management teams are firms or groups, which help us protect our assets. These teams use their expertise in this area to advise their clients on prudent ways of protecting their assets.These asset protection teams mainly work towards these four goals: Firstly, to protect one?s assets from lawyers and lawsuits; secondly, to guarantee complete financial privacy; thirdly, to preserve your estate for posterity; and, finally, to reduce personal and business taxes. They undertake a complete study of the legal framework at the state and the federal level, so as to be able to give their clients the best possible alternatives.For example, they will advise the client on sheltering their home, auto, savings, and other assets from particular kind of lawsuits. Again, they might offer advice on protecting money in offshore havens safely and legally. They even offer advice on seemingly strange but extremely practical probabilities such as protecting assets against sudden eventualities like a divorce.There are a number of groups and teams today, which offer such services across the length and breadth of the country. They specialize in their own specific areas and conduct business. For example, Donlevy-Rosen & Rosen PA handle asset protection and offshore trust matters. New York State Asset Protection and Elder Law Firm helps seniors av
Paul threw open the door to the apartment in a rage and stormed inside, Joe hot on his tail. “God, you are being such a drama queen! It’s no big deal! You’re reading way too much into this!” cried Joe as he cornered his partner in the bedroom. Paul swung around to face him, reeling with anger as his heart pounded ferociously against his chest and his hard, shallow breathing neared hyperventilation. “No big deal?! Gee, thanks for caring about how I feel! That is just so typical of you to only think of yourself and then downplay what you’ve done and not take any responsibility! Then I end up looking like the melodramatic one and you come out smelling like a rose! Well not this time, Joe! I’ve had it!”
Joe fell to the bed and held his head in his hands as he let out a frustrated sigh. “You are so infuriating! This was supposed to be our romantic night out together and you totally ruined it with your stupid assumptions!” he grumbled. “I ruined it?! We hardly see each other anymore, and when we finally get a night out just the two of us, you can’t keep your eyes off the other guys in the restaurant! It’s like I didn’t even exist in there! You barely said even two words to me because you were too busy undressing everybody there in your mind!” “You are so off base, man! The guys in there were hot and I’m a natural flirt, I can’t help it! It doesn’t mean that I want to sleep with them though! I am sick and tired of having to take the blame and suffer for your past failed relationships! I have never given you any reason to doubt my commitment to you and all you ever do is jump to conclusions about my motives! What do you want from me?!” Joe shouted. “See, there you go again! It’s always my fault, isn’t it?! Just forget it! You can sleep on the couch tonight!” spat Paul as he heaved a pillow and blanket at him from across the room and then stalked off, slamming and locking the bathroom door behind him.
Love & Conflict
While the above scenario may seem a bit like “The Young & the Restless”, it certainly depicts how an argument can downward-spiral fast. Conflict is normal and inevitable in all relationships; in fact, there can’t be growth as a couple without it! However, the manner in which the conflict is approached and managed can either contribute to the health and development of the relationship, or it can cause its demise. Words hurt and can have lasting effect, and as seen by our friends Paul and Joe, they can damage the foundation of trust and intimacy that the partnership is built upon.
As a couple, it’s important to view conflict as an opportunity to bridge more connection. As men, we’ve been socialized to be strong, aggressive, and competitive. While these traits are definite assets, they can be counter-productive when communicating with a significant other about differences or problems. Another tendency that we men have is to skip over feelings and jump right into problem-solving mode to rectify a situation. This is another obstacle to effective communication in an intimate relationship. Listening and validation of each partner’s feelings and needs is an essential pre-requisite to problem-solving and requires us to slow down and really pay attention to the messages communicated by our lovers.
So when faced with an altercation with your partner, it’s important to do the following:
·Identify your triggers to anger and know when your emotions (or your partner’s) are at a point where continuing a dialogue would be detrimental and unproductive.
·Defuse anger immediately by calling a “Time-Out” and having a cool-down period where you can each relax and gain some perspective. This will help avoid the potential for hurtful words to be expressed; words that hurt and can’t be taken back.
·Schedule a time to come back and talk about the situation so that it’s not “swept under the rug”, which would only serve to accumulate resentments. Set the stage for communication by creating ground rules for discussion and a safe environment to have a dialogue.
·Have conscious intention during your talk. Avoid being distracted by what you want to say and instead be fully engaged with your partner and focus on active listening so you can truly understand his needs, feelings, and point-of-view. You’ll have your chance to state your position. Don’t interrupt, stay on one subject at a time, and display appropriate levels of empathy and validation for your partner.
The “I” Messages Communication Technique
There are almost as many communication models available as there are self-help books, but one of the most popular of them is the “I” statements communication technique. Frequently taught in couples counseling, this strategy has a practical and easy-to-use formula for expressing your needs and feelings in a direct, assertive way. If executed the right way, this model reduces the chances that your partner will respond in a defensive way and will promote a more successful communication session.
Basically, the formula reads:
I feel (insert feeling; make sure it’s a feeling, not a thought) when you (describe his behavior) because (rationale for why you feel the way you do) so instead, I’d prefer (request for a behavior change).
The model works well because you’re taking responsibility for your feelings without blaming and you’re describing the behavior that is upsetting to you as opposed to launching an attack on your partner’s character, which the word “you” alone tends to inspire and hence creates defensiveness on the part of the other. Requesting a behavior change doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want, but asserting yourself can give you a sense of empowerment that’s better than the alternative of acting-out your discontent or stuffing it away and burying it. You have the right to express yourself and ask for what you need and want.
Additionally, the formula is beneficial for helping both partners fine-tune their communication styles. For a more verbal partner, “I messages” help to streamline his thoughts into a simple, understandable statement rather than a barrage of sentences that can overwhelm his partner. For a less verbally-sophisticated or quiet partner, the formula allows him a step-by-step format for expressing himself if he typically has a hard time finding the words to convey what he’s thinking in his mind. While the formula may seem mechanical, contrived, or awkward, it provides a sound framework to begin from and can be modified to your own language and style. This is just one of many communication techniques you can try on for size!
Joe & Paul Revisited
Joe and Paul sat on the couch facing each other, both feeling more calm and centered
Taking out a loan is extremely simple nowadays, with so many companies offering loans to more people and at excellent rates. However, some of the deals that seem to good to be true often have hidden charges that can make the loan costs much higher than you might have known. If you know about the dangers of these hidden charges, then you can easily avoid them and get a loan that is cheap and fair.More than just APRWhen you are shopping for a loan, you need to remember that the costs involved in repayment are more than just the advertised APR or Annual Percentage Rates. There are many other charges that you need to take into consideration, many of which the lender will not clearly point out. It pays to know about these extra charges, so that you can get a loan that suits your needs and doesn’t put you under financial pressure.Redemption feesMost lenders do not talk about redemption fees when you make your application, but they are something that you should know about if you want to pay back your loan early, which many people do. When paying back your loan early, many lenders will charge you up to two month’s interest for doing so. These penalties are usually the same whether you pay back your loan straight away or a month before it finishes. However, more and more lenders are starting to reduce or scrap these penalties, as borrowers become more aware of their implications. Before taking out a loan,
Love & Conflict
While the above scenario may seem a bit like “The Young & the Restless”, it certainly depicts how an argument can downward-spiral fast. Conflict is normal and inevitable in all relationships; in fact, there can’t be growth as a couple without it! However, the manner in which the conflict is approached and managed can either contribute to the health and development of the relationship, or it can cause its demise. Words hurt and can have lasting effect, and as seen by our friends Paul and Joe, they can damage the foundation of trust and intimacy that the partnership is built upon.
As a couple, it’s important to view conflict as an opportunity to bridge more connection. As men, we’ve been socialized to be strong, aggressive, and competitive. While these traits are definite assets, they can be counter-productive when communicating with a significant other about differences or problems. Another tendency that we men have is to skip over feelings and jump right into problem-solving mode to rectify a situation. This is another obstacle to effective communication in an intimate relationship. Listening and validation of each partner’s feelings and needs is an essential pre-requisite to problem-solving and requires us to slow down and really pay attention to the messages communicated by our lovers.
So when faced with an altercation with your partner, it’s important to do the following:
·Identify your triggers to anger and know when your emotions (or your partner’s) are at a point where continuing a dialogue would be detrimental and unproductive.
·Defuse anger immediately by calling a “Time-Out” and having a cool-down period where you can each relax and gain some perspective. This will help avoid the potential for hurtful words to be expressed; words that hurt and can’t be taken back.
·Schedule a time to come back and talk about the situation so that it’s not “swept under the rug”, which would only serve to accumulate resentments. Set the stage for communication by creating ground rules for discussion and a safe environment to have a dialogue.
·Have conscious intention during your talk. Avoid being distracted by what you want to say and instead be fully engaged with your partner and focus on active listening so you can truly understand his needs, feelings, and point-of-view. You’ll have your chance to state your position. Don’t interrupt, stay on one subject at a time, and display appropriate levels of empathy and validation for your partner.
The “I” Messages Communication Technique
There are almost as many communication models available as there are self-help books, but one of the most popular of them is the “I” statements communication technique. Frequently taught in couples counseling, this strategy has a practical and easy-to-use formula for expressing your needs and feelings in a direct, assertive way. If executed the right way, this model reduces the chances that your partner will respond in a defensive way and will promote a more successful communication session.
Basically, the formula reads:
I feel (insert feeling; make sure it’s a feeling, not a thought) when you (describe his behavior) because (rationale for why you feel the way you do) so instead, I’d prefer (request for a behavior change).
The model works well because you’re taking responsibility for your feelings without blaming and you’re describing the behavior that is upsetting to you as opposed to launching an attack on your partner’s character, which the word “you” alone tends to inspire and hence creates defensiveness on the part of the other. Requesting a behavior change doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want, but asserting yourself can give you a sense of empowerment that’s better than the alternative of acting-out your discontent or stuffing it away and burying it. You have the right to express yourself and ask for what you need and want.
Additionally, the formula is beneficial for helping both partners fine-tune their communication styles. For a more verbal partner, “I messages” help to streamline his thoughts into a simple, understandable statement rather than a barrage of sentences that can overwhelm his partner. For a less verbally-sophisticated or quiet partner, the formula allows him a step-by-step format for expressing himself if he typically has a hard time finding the words to convey what he’s thinking in his mind. While the formula may seem mechanical, contrived, or awkward, it provides a sound framework to begin from and can be modified to your own language and style. This is just one of many communication techniques you can try on for size!
Joe & Paul Revisited
Joe and Paul sat on the couch facing each other, both feeling more calm and centered
Filing bankruptcy puts a 10 year black mark on your credit and devastates your credit score. Getting after bankruptcy credit that you don’t have to pay through the nose to qualify for can be next to impossible if you don’t implement these vital steps to begin rebuilding your credit immediately.There are 4 key factors involved in repairing your credit after bankruptcy; they are to keep an eye on your credit report, set up a household budget, and begin reconstructing your after bankruptcy credit by applying for 2 specific types of credit and learn how to use them responsibly.Action Step One:The first step you should take to improve your after bankruptcy credit is to check your credit reports for errors. After filing bankruptcy the reporting agencies often times leave bad debts on your record rather than taking them off as required after bankruptcy. Get a copy of your credit report from all three reporting agencies, Experian, Equifax and Trans Union.You’re after bankruptcy credit depends upon your credit report, so you need to contact the credit bureaus and insist that those accounts be properly reported as “included in bankruptcy.” If you have other serious mistakes on your credit report, those need to be corrected as well. Your credit score is based on information in your credit report, so errors on your report can seriously damage your chances of getting after bankruptcy credit.Ac
So when faced with an altercation with your partner, it’s important to do the following:
·Identify your triggers to anger and know when your emotions (or your partner’s) are at a point where continuing a dialogue would be detrimental and unproductive.
·Defuse anger immediately by calling a “Time-Out” and having a cool-down period where you can each relax and gain some perspective. This will help avoid the potential for hurtful words to be expressed; words that hurt and can’t be taken back.
·Schedule a time to come back and talk about the situation so that it’s not “swept under the rug”, which would only serve to accumulate resentments. Set the stage for communication by creating ground rules for discussion and a safe environment to have a dialogue.
·Have conscious intention during your talk. Avoid being distracted by what you want to say and instead be fully engaged with your partner and focus on active listening so you can truly understand his needs, feelings, and point-of-view. You’ll have your chance to state your position. Don’t interrupt, stay on one subject at a time, and display appropriate levels of empathy and validation for your partner.
The “I” Messages Communication Technique
There are almost as many communication models available as there are self-help books, but one of the most popular of them is the “I” statements communication technique. Frequently taught in couples counseling, this strategy has a practical and easy-to-use formula for expressing your needs and feelings in a direct, assertive way. If executed the right way, this model reduces the chances that your partner will respond in a defensive way and will promote a more successful communication session.
Basically, the formula reads:
I feel (insert feeling; make sure it’s a feeling, not a thought) when you (describe his behavior) because (rationale for why you feel the way you do) so instead, I’d prefer (request for a behavior change).
The model works well because you’re taking responsibility for your feelings without blaming and you’re describing the behavior that is upsetting to you as opposed to launching an attack on your partner’s character, which the word “you” alone tends to inspire and hence creates defensiveness on the part of the other. Requesting a behavior change doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want, but asserting yourself can give you a sense of empowerment that’s better than the alternative of acting-out your discontent or stuffing it away and burying it. You have the right to express yourself and ask for what you need and want.
Additionally, the formula is beneficial for helping both partners fine-tune their communication styles. For a more verbal partner, “I messages” help to streamline his thoughts into a simple, understandable statement rather than a barrage of sentences that can overwhelm his partner. For a less verbally-sophisticated or quiet partner, the formula allows him a step-by-step format for expressing himself if he typically has a hard time finding the words to convey what he’s thinking in his mind. While the formula may seem mechanical, contrived, or awkward, it provides a sound framework to begin from and can be modified to your own language and style. This is just one of many communication techniques you can try on for size!
Joe & Paul Revisited
Joe and Paul sat on the couch facing each other, both feeling more calm and centered
As with many tasks in life, preparation and hard work go a long way to securing success. If you intend to apply for financing for a home, preparation is definitely the key and it does not require much work.Assume you are going to sit for your college entrance exams. Obviously, getting the best score possible on them is crucial. You want to go the best possible institution of higher learning. Given this fact, are you just going to waltz in and take the exam or are you going to prepare yourself as much as possible? Unless you are Stephan Hawking, you are probably going to put a lot of time and effort into preparing yourself for the big test.Applying for a home loan is a test of sorts. A lender is evaluating a number of factors to see if you “pass” the basic requirements for approval. These factors can include everything from your employment history to credit score. Buying a house is an important moment in your life. Are you going to apply for the lender test without preparing for it? You are taking a huge risk if you do. Just like college entrance exams, preparing for your home loan application will help you get approved with the best rates.The first thing you should do before applying for a loan is order your credit report from the credit agencies. The big three are Equifax, Trans Union and Experian. Given their important role, you might be surprised to find out they offer incredibly poor service. It is e
·Have conscious intention during your talk. Avoid being distracted by what you want to say and instead be fully engaged with your partner and focus on active listening so you can truly understand his needs, feelings, and point-of-view. You’ll have your chance to state your position. Don’t interrupt, stay on one subject at a time, and display appropriate levels of empathy and validation for your partner.
The “I” Messages Communication Technique
There are almost as many communication models available as there are self-help books, but one of the most popular of them is the “I” statements communication technique. Frequently taught in couples counseling, this strategy has a practical and easy-to-use formula for expressing your needs and feelings in a direct, assertive way. If executed the right way, this model reduces the chances that your partner will respond in a defensive way and will promote a more successful communication session.
Basically, the formula reads:
I feel (insert feeling; make sure it’s a feeling, not a thought) when you (describe his behavior) because (rationale for why you feel the way you do) so instead, I’d prefer (request for a behavior change).
The model works well because you’re taking responsibility for your feelings without blaming and you’re describing the behavior that is upsetting to you as opposed to launching an attack on your partner’s character, which the word “you” alone tends to inspire and hence creates defensiveness on the part of the other. Requesting a behavior change doesn’t guarantee you’ll get what you want, but asserting yourself can give you a sense of empowerment that’s better than the alternative of acting-out your discontent or stuffing it away and burying it. You have the right to express yourself and ask for what you need and want.
Additionally, the formula is beneficial for helping both partners fine-tune their communication styles. For a more verbal partner, “I messages” help to streamline his thoughts into a simple, understandable statement rather than a barrage of sentences that can overwhelm his partner. For a less verbally-sophisticated or quiet partner, the formula allows him a step-by-step format for expressing himself if he typically has a hard time finding the words to convey what he’s thinking in his mind. While the formula may seem mechanical, contrived, or awkward, it provides a sound framework to begin from and can be modified to your own language and style. This is just one of many communication techniques you can try on for size!
Joe & Paul Revisited
Joe and Paul sat on the couch facing each other, both feeling more calm and centered
Many people decide to start their own business because they think it is a great alternative to having to work for someone else. Some even think it is the next step in the evolution for one to go from rags to riches. However, some people think that engaging in such is a piece of pie. There are many myths that go roundabout, deceiving people into starting their business with unreasonable expectations.The result? Closed businesses and frustrated entrepreneurs.Before you jump into small business entrepreneurship, consider first the following myths which we will debunk.1. Starting a Small Business is Easier WorkThis isn’t true. You'll probably work harder. A small business needs more work to survive. However, the potential to earn is more. The difference is, at work you would balk at overtime. With your small business, you may actually enjoy working overtime because you are caring for your own business.2. MYTH: I'll be the boss.
You may be the boss of your company. But you will still have to please someone else: the client. So in truth, they are the boss. Make sure you keep them happy and well served.3. MYTH: I Can Now Ratchet Up My Asking PriceWe often think that we work too much and are paid too little. When starting a small business we may be tempted to think that we can now push for a price more befitting our skills. However, we should remember that we have competition who mi
Additionally, the formula is beneficial for helping both partners fine-tune their communication styles. For a more verbal partner, “I messages” help to streamline his thoughts into a simple, understandable statement rather than a barrage of sentences that can overwhelm his partner. For a less verbally-sophisticated or quiet partner, the formula allows him a step-by-step format for expressing himself if he typically has a hard time finding the words to convey what he’s thinking in his mind. While the formula may seem mechanical, contrived, or awkward, it provides a sound framework to begin from and can be modified to your own language and style. This is just one of many communication techniques you can try on for size!
Joe & Paul Revisited
Joe and Paul sat on the couch facing each other, both feeling more calm and centered as they desired to clear the air from their argument the night before and come to some resolution about how to manage some of their issues moving forward. They didn’t want to hurt each other anymore and truly wanted to understand how the other felt and what he needed to avoid being reactive in the future.
Paul began. “Joe, I feel hurt and rejected when you don’t talk much when we’re out and when you look at other guys because we don’t get to see each other very much with our opposite work schedules and I feel it’s disrespectful to be admiring other men when you’re with me. I miss you and I feel scared that you might be losing interest in me when that happens. I’d prefer that you be more engaged when we’re together by not staring at other guys and by making the most of the time we have together by talking with me or giving me more attention.”
Joe responded with active listening techniques and Paul felt heard and validated. Joe then replied to Paul. “Paul, I feel frustrated and helpless when you make accusations that I’m cheating on you because I have very strong values in fidelity and have never done anything to compromise our commitment. I love you. I’d prefer that you refrain from jumping to conclusions and instead check things out with me that you might be thinking and feeling in a calm way to make sure we’re on the same page.”
The couple’s discussion went deeper and they were able to identify a lot of their fears and unmet needs that were underlying the anger that was coming out during their fight. Once they’d reached that level of understanding and both felt heard, the couple was then able to progress into a problem-solving stage. Joe refrained from flirting with other men to respect his relationship with Paul and channeled his energy into attending more to his partner’s needs and being more fully present when they were together. He also tried changing his work schedule around so they could have more quality time together, tried to show Paul ways he appreciated and cherished him through loving gestures and attention, and worked on improving his verbal and nonverbal communication skills. Paul set to work on challenging his insecurities, combating his tendency to make assumptions and “mind-read”, and began grieving and healing from past relationship wounds that he was projecting into his current relationship with Joe. He also worked hard on improving his boundaries and both aggressively worked on creating more balance between their individual and couple identities. This couple is on the right path to healing and continue to grow closer by the day.
Conclusion & Action Challenges
So how can you use “I” messages to improve your relationship? Here’s a few tips in conclusion to get you started:
·Make a list of all the feelings and/or needs you’d like to express to your partner and write them down in a journal. Now, using the “I feel___when you____because___so instead, I’d prefer___” formula, practice creating your own “I” statements. The more times you do this, the more natural it will feel. Role-play with a trusted friend or go directly to your partner and give it a try!
·Remember that it’s very important to identify the role that you yourself play in conflicts rather than putting all the emphasis on your partner and his behavior. You can’t change your partner.
·Expand your feelings vocabulary. Read books on emotional intelligence to broaden your skill-set.
·Identify any fears you may have that hold you back from listening or communicating your needs and feelings with your partner. Work at challenging them to support more connection in your relationship.
* The characters in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people is purely coincidental.
©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski
WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEBSITE? This article can be reprinted freely online, as long as the entire article and this resource box are included:
Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that will lead them to find and build a lasting partnership with Mr. Right.” To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs, and teleclasses, please visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
Please also include with the article the words © Copyright and prominently display a link to our main page at the end of the article. Any feedback would be appreciated and can be sent to brian@thegaylovecoach.com. Thank you!
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