e wanted. It was your mother's game, but you wouldn't have noticed that, because she simply packaged it a little differently. She was much younger than your mother. She didn't have the title of mother. She smiled at you differently. She touched you in different ways. You went out on dates. All together, it looked different in so many ways, but at the core the relationship was pretty much the same, and you were fooled by the outward differences.

And now that you've discovered that you were fooled, you're feeling pretty disappointed, and probably irritated too. Maybe even feeling betrayed. All understandable, but remember that your wife didn't do this intentionally.

As a child she learned a role too, and you provided her an opportunity to fill it, just as she provided you an opportunity to fill yours. There was nothing malicious in all this. It was just familiar.

Again, you both provided an opportunity for the other person to play a familiar and rewarding role. It wasn't malicious, just familiar. But the real question is, what can you do now?

You've taken the first step, which is recognizing what you've done. Only then can you begin to make different choices.

Second, you must realize that this isn't something your wife is doing to you. You have both cooperated in this mutual trading of Imitation Love, and now if you want to change your relation

All my life your mother manipulated and controlled you. She used praise and guilt and nagging to get you to do whatever she wanted, and for many years it worked. But eventually you got tired of it and began to avoid her. You didn't want anything to do with her manipulation. Then you married a beautiful, sweet woman who was just the opposite of your mother. It was great—for about a year or so. But then she began to change. She began to nag you all the time to do what she wanted, and if you didn't, she made you feel guilty. Now you feel like you're married to your mother. How did this happen? You hated the way your mother treated you, so how could you possibly have ended up with someone just like her?

Imagine that as a young child you were taught to play the violin, and you learned only classical music. You played solos and in chamber groups and in symphony orchestras, performing works by Mozart, Handel, Beethoven, and Paganini. But eventually, when you graduated from high school, you became tired of playing and gave up the violin. You were tired of practicing, and tired of being nagged about practicing, so you moved on to cars, girls, stuff like that.

Years later, however, you're invited to a special kind of music festival, where the performances are all created by the people who attend the festival. The festival is held in a huge complex of buildings, with many auditoriums, and in each one a different kind of music is being played. In one auditorium is a group of jazz musicians. In another, a group of people playing the blues. Country western musicians fill the stage in another location, bluegrass in another, and in one auditorium you find a symphony orchestra playing a piece composed by Beethoven, a piece you have played before. And there is an open chair in the violin section, with a fine violin and bow sitting on the chair.

Of all the auditoriums, and all the kinds of music being played, where would you choose to spend the festival? Even though you have previously grown tired of the violin years ago, you would almost certainly gravitate to the symphony orchestra, sit down in the open chair in the violin section, pick up the violin and bow, and begin playing the piece you had once known. Why? Because you're familiar with that instrument and with that kind of music. We tend to do what we know, what we're familiar with, what we're comfortable with.

You've done that same thing with your mother and wife. Even though part of you hates nagging, guilt, being manipulated, and being controlled, you are very familiar with that role of being manipulated and controlled. you know how to do that, whereas you really don't know how to behave in other ways.

And you get a lot from filling that role. With your mother, for example, you got many things when you did what she wanted:

First, praise. When you did what she wanted, she smiled at you and said nice things to you. That was a very strong inducement to do what she wanted. In the absence of unconditional love (what I call ‘Real Love'), praise feels pretty darned good.

Second, conditional approval. She accepted you when you did what she demanded from you, and to you—in the absence of Real Love (unconditional love)—that conditional approval felt like love. You liked it a lot.

Third, safety. When you did what she wanted, she didn't criticize you. She didn't attack you. You were safe, and that's a big deal.

Fourth, you got a place in the world. Most people have no idea what their place in the world is. They don't know what their purpose is. They don't know their role. Without a role, we feel detached, unconnected, and alone. There is a huge comfort in knowing that we have a role. With that role, we feel connected to the people that help us fill that role. Even though your mother used you, when you let her do that, you felt connected to her. You felt useful. You filled a role. You had a place in the world. It sounds kind of sick—it is—but this need to have a place in the world is huge.

As you became older, you were naturally drawn to a woman who would allow you to play out the same role. Sure, part of you hated being manipulated by your mother, but a big part of you also enjoyed the rewards—the praise, conditional approval, safety, and place in the world—that you got from playing your role.

And you played it for so long that you could literally sense—like you had antennae tuned for it—anyone who had the same characteristics as your mother. I have a good friend who plays the flute. When he hears a symphony orchestra play—with 60-80 instruments playing, sometimes in a rather loud jumble of noise—he can pick out the quiet part of the flute and hum it. He's so used to playing the flute that he can hear it in the midst of everything else.

So can you, when it comes to your role. You need to play it. You're comfortable there. You need the rewards it brings, so you can smell someone who will control you or manipulate you in the familiar ways and allow you to play your role. I know it's crazy, because part of you hates the role, but part of you really wants to play it, and you have to recognize that.

You said that in the beginning you thought your wife was "just the opposite" of your mother. How could that be? How could she have fooled you so thoroughly?

Easy. In the beginning, your wife gave you hundreds of clues that she was just like your mother. Little things. She probably corrected you when you didn't do what she wanted. She probably repeated herself to get what she wanted. It was your mother's game, but you wouldn't have noticed that, because she simply packaged it a little differently. She was much younger than your mother. She didn't have the title of mother. She smiled at you differently. She touched you in different ways. You went out on dates. All together, it looked different in so many ways, but at the core the relationship was pretty much the same, and you were fooled by the outward differences.

And now that you've discovered that you were fooled, you're feeling pretty disappointed, and probably irritated too. Maybe even feeling betrayed. All understandable, but remember that your wife didn't do this intentionally.

As a child she learned a role too, and you provided her an opportunity to fill it, just as she provided you an opportunity to fill yours. There was nothing malicious in all this. It was just familiar.

Again, you both provided an opportunity for the other person to play a familiar and rewarding role. It wasn't malicious, just familiar. But the real question is, what can you do now?

You've taken the first step, which is recognizing what you've done. Only then can you begin to make different choices.

Second, you must realize that this isn't something your wife is doing to you. You have both cooperated in this mutual trading of Imitation Love, and now if you want to change your relations

y auditoriums, and in each one a different kind of music is being played. In one auditorium is a group of jazz musicians. In another, a group of people playing the blues. Country western musicians fill the stage in another location, bluegrass in another, and in one auditorium you find a symphony orchestra playing a piece composed by Beethoven, a piece you have played before. And there is an open chair in the violin section, with a fine violin and bow sitting on the chair.

Of all the auditoriums, and all the kinds of music being played, where would you choose to spend the festival? Even though you have previously grown tired of the violin years ago, you would almost certainly gravitate to the symphony orchestra, sit down in the open chair in the violin section, pick up the violin and bow, and begin playing the piece you had once known. Why? Because you're familiar with that instrument and with that kind of music. We tend to do what we know, what we're familiar with, what we're comfortable with.

You've done that same thing with your mother and wife. Even though part of you hates nagging, guilt, being manipulated, and being controlled, you are very familiar with that role of being manipulated and controlled. you know how to do that, whereas you really don't know how to behave in other ways.

And you get a lot from filling that role. With your mother, for example, you got many things when you did what she wanted:

First, praise. When you did what she wanted, she smiled at you and said nice things to you. That was a very strong inducement to do what she wanted. In the absence of unconditional love (what I call ‘Real Love'), praise feels pretty darned good.

Second, conditional approval. She accepted you when you did what she demanded from you, and to you—in the absence of Real Love (unconditional love)—that conditional approval felt like love. You liked it a lot.

Third, safety. When you did what she wanted, she didn't criticize you. She didn't attack you. You were safe, and that's a big deal.

Fourth, you got a place in the world. Most people have no idea what their place in the world is. They don't know what their purpose is. They don't know their role. Without a role, we feel detached, unconnected, and alone. There is a huge comfort in knowing that we have a role. With that role, we feel connected to the people that help us fill that role. Even though your mother used you, when you let her do that, you felt connected to her. You felt useful. You filled a role. You had a place in the world. It sounds kind of sick—it is—but this need to have a place in the world is huge.

As you became older, you were naturally drawn to a woman who would allow you to play out the same role. Sure, part of you hated being manipulated by your mother, but a big part of you also enjoyed the rewards—the praise, conditional approval, safety, and place in the world—that you got from playing your role.

And you played it for so long that you could literally sense—like you had antennae tuned for it—anyone who had the same characteristics as your mother. I have a good friend who plays the flute. When he hears a symphony orchestra play—with 60-80 instruments playing, sometimes in a rather loud jumble of noise—he can pick out the quiet part of the flute and hum it. He's so used to playing the flute that he can hear it in the midst of everything else.

So can you, when it comes to your role. You need to play it. You're comfortable there. You need the rewards it brings, so you can smell someone who will control you or manipulate you in the familiar ways and allow you to play your role. I know it's crazy, because part of you hates the role, but part of you really wants to play it, and you have to recognize that.

You said that in the beginning you thought your wife was "just the opposite" of your mother. How could that be? How could she have fooled you so thoroughly?

Easy. In the beginning, your wife gave you hundreds of clues that she was just like your mother. Little things. She probably corrected you when you didn't do what she wanted. She probably repeated herself to get what she wanted. It was your mother's game, but you wouldn't have noticed that, because she simply packaged it a little differently. She was much younger than your mother. She didn't have the title of mother. She smiled at you differently. She touched you in different ways. You went out on dates. All together, it looked different in so many ways, but at the core the relationship was pretty much the same, and you were fooled by the outward differences.

And now that you've discovered that you were fooled, you're feeling pretty disappointed, and probably irritated too. Maybe even feeling betrayed. All understandable, but remember that your wife didn't do this intentionally.

As a child she learned a role too, and you provided her an opportunity to fill it, just as she provided you an opportunity to fill yours. There was nothing malicious in all this. It was just familiar.

Again, you both provided an opportunity for the other person to play a familiar and rewarding role. It wasn't malicious, just familiar. But the real question is, what can you do now?

You've taken the first step, which is recognizing what you've done. Only then can you begin to make different choices.

Second, you must realize that this isn't something your wife is doing to you. You have both cooperated in this mutual trading of Imitation Love, and now if you want to change your relation

ple, you got many things when you did what she wanted:

First, praise. When you did what she wanted, she smiled at you and said nice things to you. That was a very strong inducement to do what she wanted. In the absence of unconditional love (what I call ‘Real Love'), praise feels pretty darned good.

Second, conditional approval. She accepted you when you did what she demanded from you, and to you—in the absence of Real Love (unconditional love)—that conditional approval felt like love. You liked it a lot.

Third, safety. When you did what she wanted, she didn't criticize you. She didn't attack you. You were safe, and that's a big deal.

Fourth, you got a place in the world. Most people have no idea what their place in the world is. They don't know what their purpose is. They don't know their role. Without a role, we feel detached, unconnected, and alone. There is a huge comfort in knowing that we have a role. With that role, we feel connected to the people that help us fill that role. Even though your mother used you, when you let her do that, you felt connected to her. You felt useful. You filled a role. You had a place in the world. It sounds kind of sick—it is—but this need to have a place in the world is huge.

As you became older, you were naturally drawn to a woman who would allow you to play out the same role. Sure, part of you hated being manipulated by your mother, but a big part of you also enjoyed the rewards—the praise, conditional approval, safety, and place in the world—that you got from playing your role.

And you played it for so long that you could literally sense—like you had antennae tuned for it—anyone who had the same characteristics as your mother. I have a good friend who plays the flute. When he hears a symphony orchestra play—with 60-80 instruments playing, sometimes in a rather loud jumble of noise—he can pick out the quiet part of the flute and hum it. He's so used to playing the flute that he can hear it in the midst of everything else.

So can you, when it comes to your role. You need to play it. You're comfortable there. You need the rewards it brings, so you can smell someone who will control you or manipulate you in the familiar ways and allow you to play your role. I know it's crazy, because part of you hates the role, but part of you really wants to play it, and you have to recognize that.

You said that in the beginning you thought your wife was "just the opposite" of your mother. How could that be? How could she have fooled you so thoroughly?

Easy. In the beginning, your wife gave you hundreds of clues that she was just like your mother. Little things. She probably corrected you when you didn't do what she wanted. She probably repeated herself to get what she wanted. It was your mother's game, but you wouldn't have noticed that, because she simply packaged it a little differently. She was much younger than your mother. She didn't have the title of mother. She smiled at you differently. She touched you in different ways. You went out on dates. All together, it looked different in so many ways, but at the core the relationship was pretty much the same, and you were fooled by the outward differences.

And now that you've discovered that you were fooled, you're feeling pretty disappointed, and probably irritated too. Maybe even feeling betrayed. All understandable, but remember that your wife didn't do this intentionally.

As a child she learned a role too, and you provided her an opportunity to fill it, just as she provided you an opportunity to fill yours. There was nothing malicious in all this. It was just familiar.

Again, you both provided an opportunity for the other person to play a familiar and rewarding role. It wasn't malicious, just familiar. But the real question is, what can you do now?

You've taken the first step, which is recognizing what you've done. Only then can you begin to make different choices.

Second, you must realize that this isn't something your wife is doing to you. You have both cooperated in this mutual trading of Imitation Love, and now if you want to change your relation

manipulated by your mother, but a big part of you also enjoyed the rewards—the praise, conditional approval, safety, and place in the world—that you got from playing your role.

And you played it for so long that you could literally sense—like you had antennae tuned for it—anyone who had the same characteristics as your mother. I have a good friend who plays the flute. When he hears a symphony orchestra play—with 60-80 instruments playing, sometimes in a rather loud jumble of noise—he can pick out the quiet part of the flute and hum it. He's so used to playing the flute that he can hear it in the midst of everything else.

So can you, when it comes to your role. You need to play it. You're comfortable there. You need the rewards it brings, so you can smell someone who will control you or manipulate you in the familiar ways and allow you to play your role. I know it's crazy, because part of you hates the role, but part of you really wants to play it, and you have to recognize that.

You said that in the beginning you thought your wife was "just the opposite" of your mother. How could that be? How could she have fooled you so thoroughly?

Easy. In the beginning, your wife gave you hundreds of clues that she was just like your mother. Little things. She probably corrected you when you didn't do what she wanted. She probably repeated herself to get what she wanted. It was your mother's game, but you wouldn't have noticed that, because she simply packaged it a little differently. She was much younger than your mother. She didn't have the title of mother. She smiled at you differently. She touched you in different ways. You went out on dates. All together, it looked different in so many ways, but at the core the relationship was pretty much the same, and you were fooled by the outward differences.

And now that you've discovered that you were fooled, you're feeling pretty disappointed, and probably irritated too. Maybe even feeling betrayed. All understandable, but remember that your wife didn't do this intentionally.

As a child she learned a role too, and you provided her an opportunity to fill it, just as she provided you an opportunity to fill yours. There was nothing malicious in all this. It was just familiar.

Again, you both provided an opportunity for the other person to play a familiar and rewarding role. It wasn't malicious, just familiar. But the real question is, what can you do now?

You've taken the first step, which is recognizing what you've done. Only then can you begin to make different choices.

Second, you must realize that this isn't something your wife is doing to you. You have both cooperated in this mutual trading of Imitation Love, and now if you want to change your relation

e wanted. It was your mother's game, but you wouldn't have noticed that, because she simply packaged it a little differently. She was much younger than your mother. She didn't have the title of mother. She smiled at you differently. She touched you in different ways. You went out on dates. All together, it looked different in so many ways, but at the core the relationship was pretty much the same, and you were fooled by the outward differences.

And now that you've discovered that you were fooled, you're feeling pretty disappointed, and probably irritated too. Maybe even feeling betrayed. All understandable, but remember that your wife didn't do this intentionally.

As a child she learned a role too, and you provided her an opportunity to fill it, just as she provided you an opportunity to fill yours. There was nothing malicious in all this. It was just familiar.

Again, you both provided an opportunity for the other person to play a familiar and rewarding role. It wasn't malicious, just familiar. But the real question is, what can you do now?

You've taken the first step, which is recognizing what you've done. Only then can you begin to make different choices.

Second, you must realize that this isn't something your wife is doing to you. You have both cooperated in this mutual trading of Imitation Love, and now if you want to change your relationship, you have to be willing to make the initial changes.

Change how? Right now when your wife nags at you and uses guilt with you, for example, you just cave in and do what she wants.

If you want to have a genuinely loving relationship, you have to stop responding to her nagging and guilt. That does not mean going from being a doormat—which is what you are now—to doing what most people call "standing up for yourself." If you get angry and tell her "Woman, you can't order me around anymore," you're just exchanging one way of acting like a victim for another. Instead of giving in, you're reacting with anger. Neither one involves Real Love, and only Real Love will make your relationship what you want it to be.

So don't stand up for yourself with your wife. Instead be loving, which does not mean you have to do what she demands. So let's imagine that she demands that you spend the weekend with her mother. As it is, you go along because you'd feel too guilty if you didn't, and then you hate every minute you're with her and her mother.

Never put yourself in a position where you have to give more love than you have. It empties you completely out, so you lose. Then because you have nothing to give, your wife loses. Everybody loses.

So when she demands that you go to her mother's, what can you say?

Tell her something like this: "Sweetie, I know it's important to you that I go. I wish I could. But right now I'm just not loving enough to go. It's not your fault, and it's not your mother's fault. it's all me. So I'm going to keep working on being more loving, and bit by bit, I'll be able to do more things like that. And it will mean a lot more when I do, because I'll be doing those things because I want to, not because I feel obligated to."

Almost certainly she'll argue with you, and then you just repeat yourself. Don't argue with each of her reasons why you should go. Just tell her you're not ready, and emphasize that you're working on it.

This is critical, because then you will finally be breaking the pattern of manipulating and guilt that have been killing you and your relationships. Changing the way you interact with your wife won't be easy. You're used to the way things are with her, and even though you hate a lot about your relationship, you still get a lot out of the role you play. Your relationship won't change until you're willing to give up the rewards you're getting. Let's look at some of those rewards.

First, Praise. When you do exactly what your wife wants, she says nice things to you. She smiles at you. She has sex with you. You're afraid you might lose all that, so she holds you hostage by holding it over your head—and it's almost entirely unconscious. You have to be willing to give that up.

Second, conditional approval. Without Real Love, we all need conditional approval pretty badly, and when you do what your wife demands, you feel accepted by her. There are few things in the world you dread more than her withdrawing her approval, and your relationship won't change until you're willing to live through those times. You have to be willing to make choices that she won't like. You have to be willing to set your own course in life even though she won't like you. If you live for her approval, you're a slave, and that's no way to run a relationship.

Third, safety. When you make decisions your wife doesn't like, she's going to come down on you with her disapproval and her guilt, and that's going to feel very threatening to you. But life isn't about feeling safe. It's about Real Love, which is given freely. Until you can choose to give your wife what you want, not what she demands, you won't have a relationship. You'll just be a hostage, and nobody wins in that situation. Can you see how doing what you can is actually more loving than doing everything that's demanded of you?

Fourth, a definite place in the world. When you first begin to change your behavior toward your wife, it will be very disorienting. You're used to finding Imitation Love in certain predictable ways, and when you change the rules, all that will be gone. You'll feel lost when you can't reach out and get what you've always used. But the benefits are huge. Instead of getting Imitation love (conditional approval), you'll be finding Real Love, and that is worth whatever you do to make it happen.